I don't want this site to be only a journal, but that's all I can focus on at the moment. I'd like to write some essay-like texts about topics that interest me, and maybe add more stuff to my links, such as my favorite websites outside of Neocities. I'm also thinking of creating a few shrines.
Every day I think of different things I could write about and post on my blogs, but I don't always have the time or energy for that. Lately, I've been unable to focus on anything for very long. I could try asking my doctor to increase my dose of Ritalin, but right now I can't really afford it. I don't see my psychiatrist as often as I should, because he doesn't take my insurance and I have to pay out of pocket. But I keep seeing him because he's one of the few doctors who takes my (possible) autism diagnosis seriously.
One thing I have to admit is that social media and the internet have greatly affected my ability to focus. It didn't use to be this bad. I didn't use to have brain fog. I guess it's a combination of factors: burnout, perimenopause, internet addiction, and my brain turned to mush. I'm also pretty sure the antidepressants that I took for over ten years have also affected my memory.
There are days when my mind feels sharper. I can read for longer. I can actually pay attention to the video essays I usually have on as background noise. On rare occasions, I can even stop and do nothing for a few minutes, and that's when I know my mind is still the same.
That's why I've been trying to post here frequently. Even when I don't have anything interesting to say, or I can't really focus to write something deeper, it helps me re-train my brain to work as it used to. Today, it's particularly slow. I can't even find the right words to express myself. Each sentence is a struggle. But I want to make writing a habit, and though I feel like these few paragraphs suck, I'm posting it anyway.