So, my site now has a Links page. The last few days were spent adding links to other Neocities pages. I started following some people and I even have a few followers myself. This is fun. Reminds me of the times before social media, when I would spend my time online reading other people's blogs, jumping from site to site. I had a couple of blogs, too, but I would always delete them after some time because I didn't like what I wrote. I was too self-conscious and thought I sounded stupid. Maybe I did, but maybe so did everyone else.
I'm my harshest critic and I tend to sell myself short. I'm always diminishing my own accomplishments. It feels wrong to admit that I'm smart, or actually good at something. After my cognitive assessment, the neuropsychologist asked me if I thought the tests were difficult. Apart from the tests that involved memorizing sequences of digits, and of digits and letters, I didn't find any of the tests particularly difficult. But I didn't want her to think I'm arrogant, so I wasn't entirely honest -- I let her think the harder questions had challenged me more than they did.
Why do I do that? I'm not sure, but I suspect it's because I care too much about what people think of me. I don't want anyone thinking that I'm weird, but I also don't want to be seen as arrogant, or careless, or rude -- anything negative, really -- so I always downplay anything positive about me, and I always have explanations for any behavior that might be seen as negative. It's probably part of masking.
Ever since I was very little, I've had the feeling that other people share some knowledge that I, and a few others, don't. I used to joke that I missed the classes where humans learn how to interact socially, and that's exactly what it feels like. And sometimes you'll meet other people that also missed the same classes, and you'll bond over that fact. Once I read (or maybe saw on YouTube) someone compare it to being in a play without having read the script, rehearsed your scenes, or even knowing what character you're supposed to play. Your only recourse is to observe the other people who seem to know what they're doing and mimic them. I guess in that process, I learned that I'm supposed to be meek. Which isn't what I want to be. I don't want to be an arrogant asshole either, but I simply don't know how to behave like a person who's proud of who they are and what they've done, but who doesn't come across as smug. Or maybe my own perception of what other people think of me on the rare occasions I don't act humble is distorted. They probably don't think I'm full of myself just because I thank them when they praise me. Regardless, talking about my accomplishments or admitting that I'm good at something always feels wrong.