I've been going through a neuropsychological assessment that will last a total of ten sessions. I've done five sessions so far, which included a clinical interview, cognitive testing, an attention assessment, and a couple of questionnaires about mood and personality. I've actually been diagnosed with autism by my psychiatrist, and with ADHD by a neurologist, but I'm not sure about the validity of these diagnoses. I do believe they're correct, because I know I fit the criteria for both, but I want to be sure and having a full assessment makes everything official and therefore, more real. I hesitate to label myself as AuDHD, and I always point out that I'm investigating the possibility whenever it comes up with someone I don't know very well. I'm afraid people will think I'm one of those people who self-diagnose by watching TikTok.
I'm not going to lie and pretend that social media didn't have an impact in my search for a diagnosis. I'm not actually on TikTok, but seeing people who are so similar to me on YouTube and Reddit made me realize that I might have both conditions. About four years ago, I went to a neurologist with a list of symptoms and told him, "I think I might have ADHD". He gave me a short questionnaire (there were maybe ten questions), which I answered in about two minutes, and I walked out of his office with a diagnosis and a prescription for Ritalin. It was that easy, and this is the main reason why I still have doubts.
As for the autism diagnosis, it was a little more complicated. Deep down, I'd always had a feeling I might be on the spectrum. I watched videos of people who were diagnosed later in life. I read articles. I took tests on the internet. But I wasn't sure. "Everybody seems to have autism nowadays", "It's overdiagnosed", "Being a little quirky doesn't mean one's autistic". I didn't want to label myself without being absolutely sure. And I dismissed my own symptoms. I was dismissed by doctors when I mentioned it, because I don't look autistic enough, I guess. So I dropped it. Until I started seeing a new psychiatrist when I moved cities, and without me even bringing it up, she told me she thought I was autistic after a few sessions. I finally felt like I was being seen for the first time. Since then, I've wanted to get a full evaluation, but I was told that my insurance only covered it for children. I couldn't, and still can't, afford it, so I figured I'd just have to make do without it untill I had enough money to pay for it out of pocket.
It turns out that my insurance does, in fact, cover neuropsychological assessments for adults. My sister did it last year and got diagnosed with both autism and ADHD. I procrastinated for several months, but in February I finally decided to go through with it. I'm very excited about it, but also scared that the tests will say that I'm not autistic, that I don't have ADHD and that my struggles are not a result of being neurodivergent, and that I'm just lazy, moody, and a little cuckoo. That I'm just depressed and anxious, and here, take these meds!
One thing I know is that I'm not going back on antidepressants. Ever. They allowed me to tolerate a job I wasn't suited for, and that resulted in severe burnout, memory issues, and prolonged withdrawal symptoms, which in turn taught me what real depression felt like. It was torture and I don't want to live through that again.
I still have five sessions to go...